today we honored the memory of my friend/cousins dad.  he passed this most recent monday after a quick bout with cancer.  it was a beautiful, sad, and hopeful service.  his 8 children did an amazing job of exemplifying the good man their father was through their own character.  they told stories, said goodbyes and thanked us all of loving them.

and naturally: I miss my dad today.  Papa is at the forefront, the back, and filling every little space of my mind.  Such should explain my antsyness, turned irritation at my fiance.  I suppose i could defend my attitude by using the “action-reation” clause.  But, after a few shed tears I’m uncovering the real reason why I’m so EMO tonight…because when I think of the silly argument between me and my fiance and I can just shake my head, raise my hands and say to myself with simultaneous assurance and frustration, “…yes, I still do…” and recognize that this moment is just a moment.  But, when i think of Papa, my stomach folds, my breath shortens and my tear ducts well up.  Even now as I type.

cue random(purposed) pandora.com playing, This too shall pass (Yolanda Adams) and I’m in fetal position holding on tight to my pillows, sounding like a little girl. 

What is this sudden purge?  How could the loss of someone else’s father cause me so much grief and mourning again?  And I’m hurting.  and feeling slightly alone. When I saw Tori and each of her sisters,  I just wanted to CRY out loud.  I looked at each of them wanting to connect through our tears.  Its an odd feeling when someone goes through grief over their dad.  It makes me feel like we’re all in this club…only we understand what it feels like to be a daughter who’s lost their daddy.  And today I’m crying over not remembering what it felt like to be a daddy’s girl.  or i’m digging into my memory bank of all emotions and I’m trying to find what it feels like to feel comforted as an adult by her dad. 

stomach folding.  nose stuffy. tears. tears.

my heart is feeling so broken.  its odd to feel this after so many years. I’m engaged to the man I’ve been with for 2 years so  heartbreak is not something I’ve been familiar with for a long time.  but thats what i feel. i feel a failed emotion–an emptiness that, from faith, I know that only the Holy Spirit can comfort and fill.  I just really need something to hug onto. 

When you lose something (and its fully out of your control), all you look for is connection…but unfortunately our human defenses get in the way of showing THAT much vulnerability.  In my case: I was reminded of what I lost so long ago. I watched my friends/cousins beginning the journey of grief, and even seeing that made me want to connect…I lost someone too.  I cried some nights too.  I was daddy’s girl once before. 

the faith and hope in me, has got me imagining my Papa hosting TitoBoy through the pearly and golden places of heaven, showing him around, introducing him to the place he’s called home for the last 21 years.  Although they never met here on earth, I do suspect that they’re raising a cold one to their pain-free bodies.  Then another to their awesome kids.

(Babe. I’m sorry.  I think it took some conflict to get me to the root of my grief.)