21 years.

Just the thought of how much life is squeezed into 21 years gets me a little choked up.  21 years is puberty, boys, graduations, career feats and defeats, relationship feats and defeats, and emotions of every kind…PHEW!  Today, it has been 21 years since my Papa passed away.  Believe me, there’s a couple of times every year that memories of him sneak into my dreams and remind me to remember him: 1) around his birthday in Jan and 2) around this time in March. Mustard seed blossoms bloom everywhere to remind me of life after death.

21 years. I suppose this should be a somber time.  “Paying respect” is always an awkward term for me to grasp…because how, exactly, do you pay respect?  With memories?  My memories with him don’t go beyond those of a 9-year-old girl, still giggling, still singing, still running away from my mom trying to brush my hair, still finding “safety” on the couch with Papa watching Pro Wrestling (remember when we called it “safety” or “home base”–that was the couch for me).  So how does one “pay respect”?  I’ll admit that at so many times its become just a gesture of putting flowers on the tombstone, and if there’s time, cleaning up the overgrown grass around the marble corners that protect his name.

This winter-spring season I’ve been working pretty hard on an Easter production for our church (Jubilee Christian Center).  Just like with anything new, you run into multiple obstacles and challenges, we did.  And like any production, the director becomes a blend of stress and peace (hope, hard work and few other things mixed in there)–every day the percentage of the parts (stress and peace) change; sometimes 90% stress +5% peace +5% other stuff.  Don’t blame me for the 90% stress without understanding my love/hate relationship with ‘art’ and ‘the church.’  That might need to be saved for another blog entry, but saying so should tell you enough about me (or talk to my friends Renee Sagon, Jenn Guirand, Stephanie Gonzalez and Cecile Miras–the poor souls who have had to hear my ranting about such things for the last 3 years!)  This week has been the first time that my Peace% has outweighed my Stress%–that’s a LOT to say for me. It’s the final days of rehearsal and I’m letting go.  I love this part. Its my favorite of every production I’ve been a part of: the “getting it” part that all the actors fall into.  The “letting go”.

I’ll connect these two thoughts: 21 years ago today my Father passed away, leaving me, mom and 1year old Emil to a family who flooded us with love and support.  Easter of 1989: My mom took me to Jubilee (now my home church) for the Easter Sunday service. (Small note: I researched that year, and realized that Easter was the very next day, March 26th.  I can only imagine how hard that was for my mom…) I remember it so clearly, because mom was standing along with the rest of the congregation during the final song.  Pastor Ron Kenoly lead with singing: “HALLELUJAH! JESUS IS ALIVE!…Death has lost its victory and the grave has been denied…” (or something like that.)  And the most vivid part of this memory was this:  Mom hugged me and said, “Papa’s alive too, Trina.  His spirit is in Heaven.”  That has resonated in me until this day.

21 Easters ago we buried my Papa.  21 years later, I’m directing an Easter play. It’s quite ironic and humorous.  God’s way of keeping me on my toes?  I’m letting go (again). And through tonight’s rehearsal we “pay respect”, if you will, to the Man who died and rose again, and along with so many other reasons, he did that so my Papa could have a spiritual life in heaven beyond the death of his body.  Geez!…I’ve been working on this play since January, but it wasn’t until today that I remembered all of these Papa/Easter moments of my past.  An “a HA!” moment over lunch with my boyfriend.  Usually it’s so bittersweet to realize that its his “death anniversary”. Not today.  I’m not sure what I’ll feel like by the end of the day….I’ll find out after tonight’s rehearsal!! (haha)  But what this director does know is: its back to 90%peace +10% other stuff (hope, thankfulness, joy, remembrance, grief, responsibility, change, repentance, humility, love…faith.)

thanks for reading.